This post brought to you by my phone’s WordPress app with no editing and no real forethought.
Just some old-school stream-of-consciousness blog posting. Get ready.
I am so overwhelmed with life. Maybe it’s the rose-tinted lens of the past speaking here, but I felt like I had it together back in September, at least more so than I do now. Come to think of it, around September was when the sleep regression got bad, so maybe it’s as simple as prolonged lack of sleep that was just worn me down. But, gosh do I feel broken.
I feel inadequate. I feel like a failure. I had plans, have plans, for all these things, but my life is so hectic and disorganized that I can’t figure out how to implement any of them. Plans to be a better parent. Plans to be a better wife. Plans for reading, and blogging, and exercising. Plans to improve my prayer life. Plans to make plans, and I am just. so. tired.
No. Tired doesn’t do it justice. Exhausted doesn’t either. I don’t know how to explain the way my back aches when I breathe, or when a kid starts to whine. Or, immense weight of each of my limbs when I pull myself out of bed each day. Or, the struggle to force my eyelids open all day while my brain melts into the computer screen, typing the same email dozens of times to different recipients.
I have nothing left in the tank when I get home. But, there is still so much to do. And, instead of doing anything, I allow myself to feel overwhelmed and resolve to scroll mindless through Facebook and Instagram in between nursing sessions, and homework.
I don’t read to my kids everyday. I don’t ever put the laundry away. I can’t tell you the last time a swept.
But, it’s so much more than that. Maybe it’s the time of year? The looking back at the year of plans, plans I made and never even came close to finishing. I had books I was going to read. I was going to read the Bible this year. We were going to celebrate the liturgical year as a family. We were going to meal plan. And start actually saving money. I was going to teach my son prayers, and poetry, and how to read, about the saints. And, I had a chore chart.
I was going to be so organized this year.
And, yeah twins throws wrenches in lots of plans temporarily. But, I should have my groove back by now. Right? I don’t.
But the school year started and I had Felipe in activities, and we started out on such a good schedule. And I became the Parish Point of Contact for MN Catholic Conference. And I got involved with the Gala Planning committee. And had specific liturgical plans.
Then Advent came. And I was going to really win Advent. We had the wreath, the prayers, the calendar, the Christmas Novena, the December feast days. I had a daily Advent reflection book. Things went so well until about the 12th of December. I got behind and just never caught up. And instead of spending Advent in preparation I was stressed, and overwhelmed, and failing.
I failed another year of plans. I fell short. I wasted yet another year waiting for an event to happen in my life. For it to fall into a routine. And it never didn . Well, it did, but not the one I wanted. Not the one of an organized and intentional living person.
With the New Year comes a chance to start fresh. And, being my neurotic self, I have lists and goals and plans. And I will fail in all of them.
But, I really really need a fresh start, if it exists. I need to let go of my failures, real or perceived. I need to take charge of my life and be organized. I need to live intentionally. I really need a good confession, and maybe a spiritual advisor (any Twin Cities recommendations?) ? Because, of all the things I have failed at, of all the things weighing me down, it’s the spiritual disconnect that is the most serious. I can’t pray. I struggle to read Daily Readings and even devotionals. I am going through a spiritual burn out of sorts. And, I don’t know how to get back on track. Except that, probably, planning a rigorous schedule of daily prayer and spiritual reading is not the way to handle it, though it’s my tendency.
I don’t have answers. Just thoughts. Tired, overwhelmed, broken-down, burned-out thoughts.